Overall Premise
“If He Had Been With Me” explores the complex, intertwined lives of Autumn and Finny, two childhood best friends whose bond unravels as they navigate the turbulent waters of adolescence, popularity, and first love. The novel is narrated by Autumn, who reflects on the past from a place of deep grief and regret, haunted by the “what ifs” of her relationship with Finny, especially in relation to the circumstances surrounding his death. It’s a story about loss, the search for identity, and the bittersweet nature of growing up.
Key Plot Points
- Childhood Bond: Autumn and Finny grow up next door to each other and are inseparable. They share a unique, unspoken connection, spending their days together and navigating the world as a pair. This intense bond is their safe haven in their small town, Ferguson.
- Diverging Paths: As they enter middle school, societal pressures begin to pull them in different directions. Autumn is drawn into a popular crowd, while Finny struggles to define his own identity apart from her. Their relationship strains, and a wall of silence grows between them.
- The Clique: Autumn gains popularity and becomes part of a clique, where she undergoes a transformation, trading her “weirdness” for a more conventional persona. She starts focusing on friendships and her interest in boys. However, it’s never fully satisfying.
- New Relationships: Autumn begins dating Jamie, the leader of her new friend group. While she cares for him deeply, the passion and connection she experiences is much different than what she shared with Finny, and always feels like she is trying to replicate something she can no longer grasp. Finny starts dating Sylvie, a beautiful and popular cheerleader.
- A Shift: A series of events leads to Autumn finding her voice again, and leaving the popular crowd and finding new, but just as unique friendships with Sasha, Angie, Brooke, Noah, and Jamie. In that time, the distance between her and Finny widens.
- A Fateful Decision: Autumn and Jamie’s relationship starts to show cracks and, in a moment of rebellion, she almost cheats on him by kissing Finny. That night, Jamie makes it clear he needs more from the relationship, leading to their decision to take things slowly and make love after graduation.
- The Accident: On a rainy night, Finny is in a car with Sylvie when tragedy strikes. Sylvie loses control of the car while they are arguing, and she is thrown through the windshield, leaving Finny untouched but for his seatbelt. In a moment that haunts Autumn, she imagines Sylvie’s body suspended in the air, framed by the dark night.
- Regret and Reflection: The story opens with the aftermath of the accident and the death of Finny, and throughout the novel, Autumn wrestles with immense regret. She fixates on the knowledge that if she had been with Finny instead of Sylvie that night, everything would have been different. The novel explores her processing of grief, guilt, and the lost potential of her relationship with Finny.
- New Understandings: Though Autumn is trying to navigate the complexities of her relationship with Jamie, through the lens of her grief for Finny, she realizes that Jamie does not understand her in the way Finny did.
- A Different Kind of Love: As Autumn’s relationship with Jamie begins to break, she and Finny are drawn together once more and their connection comes back as they are thrown back into each other’s paths. Finny is different than before. More worldly, and yet more vulnerable, and it is at this moment that Autumn begins to realize that she still loves Finny. They share an intimate moment where they finally acknowledge what has been there between them all along.
- Acceptance: Autumn knows that her relationship with Finny is something special, and a bond that cannot be replicated. She also knows that she loves Jamie, but differently than she loves Finny, and will never stop loving him. She begins to understand that not all relationships last, but that they can still change your life.
- The Break and the Fall: When Finny’s new friends at school attempt to tear the two apart, Autumn and Finny try to cling to each other for strength, but they cannot. Finally, a text message from Finny’s new girlfriend, Sylvie, leads to the end.
- A Final Moment: Autumn and Finny share one last intimate moment, where they finally make love for the first time and acknowledge they feel this connection. It is not long before the story comes full circle, and Finny dies as a result of his decision to get out of the car and pursue what he felt was his responsibility.
Key Themes
- The Power of “What Ifs”: The novel constantly revisits the “what if” scenario, highlighting how small decisions can have monumental consequences and how much those lingering “what ifs” can haunt you.
- The Shifting Nature of Friendship: The novel examines how friendships change and evolve over time, how societal pressures and personal growth can pull people apart, even when they share a deep bond.
- Identity and Self-Discovery: Autumn struggles to define her own identity amidst the expectations of others. She learns that trying to be someone she isn’t is unsatisfying, and that authenticity is more important than societal validation.
- The Complexity of Love: The novel portrays the complexity of love in its different forms, such as romantic love, familial love, and the unique connection between soulmates. It also shows that love can be both beautiful and painful, and that it doesn’t always conform to expectations.
- The Unavoidable Nature of Loss: The novel explores the inevitability of loss in life and the struggle to cope with grief and regret. It also highlights the importance of treasuring the present because you never know what the future holds.
- Control: Both Autumn and Finny struggle with the need to control their narrative and the narrative of the people around them. When they can no longer do so, everything begins to unravel.
Character Relationships
- Autumn and Finny: The core relationship of the story is the complex, profound connection between Autumn and Finny. Their bond is characterized by intense loyalty, an innate understanding, and an undercurrent of longing and desire. However, it is also defined by what is not said and the unspoken feelings that are later explored.
- Autumn and Jamie: Autumn’s relationship with Jamie is passionate, but ultimately does not provide her with the same understanding and connection she had with Finny. Jamie sees the world in black and white, and he struggles to grasp the complexities of her grief and internal struggles. It is ultimately a relationship based on surface level desire and a need to appear normal and happy, that is doomed to fail.
- Autumn and Sasha: Despite their competition over Jamie and their different social circles, Sasha is a true friend to Autumn. They share a complex bond and a mutual understanding as “outsiders” of sorts.
- The Mothers: Autumn’s mother and Aunt Angelina have a unique, if somewhat quirky bond, but it is through them that Autumn discovers how deep the ties of love can go, as they have navigated life together in ways that are just as complex as her’s.
Writing Style
The novel is written in a lyrical and reflective style, emphasizing Autumn’s internal thoughts and feelings. The tone is melancholic and poignant, drawing the reader into Autumn’s grief-stricken world. The use of foreshadowing and the frequent revisiting of past events enhances the sense of inevitable tragedy.
In Conclusion:
“If He Had Been With Me” is a deeply emotional and thought-provoking novel about first loves and second chances, the importance of authenticity, the complexities of relationships, and the enduring power of the “what ifs” of life. It’s a story that resonates with anyone who has experienced the bittersweet nature of growing up and the enduring pain of loss.